Many changes are happening and I don’t know if I am happy about that.
Let’s say for the story that I am.
Perhaps it is just that I don’t know how I have to start writing.
And that is no lie.
‘Let me be your lover’.
A sentence that was in my mind for some time.
I believe it has already been some years, when I thought about this sentence.
Not bound specific to someone in particular.
But it did consider a few different guys.
However, the one that I am referring to, is married and with his first child.
Assuming he will have more.
Not something I necessarily want to think about.
But it is just something that happens.
I guess.
The same that I saw him with his new girlfriend.
Just to say that it is already a long time ago.
Because when all of this happened, she wasn’t in the picture.
I have no clue where this memory of him came from.
Hidden in this sentence.
‘Let me be your lover’.
It was a sadness I was feeling when I was thinking of him.
Perhaps just something unresolved.
I remember the memory of him came back after I had counseling with my psychologist.
Not something I spoke about, or had to find an answer.
Resolve something, so to say.
And I guess that can also happen when we have therapy.
A byproduct of counseling, to find something that can help us further.
However, all of a sudden he was there.
Referring to that sadness and those memories.
Of a time that passed already for a long time.
In my therapy session I spoke about my creativity, the way I was trying to find my ground.
A way to discover and develop that part of myself.
Perhaps even find my own.
It felt great, I enjoyed it a lot.
When I look back at that time, I can only smile.
That is something that is sure.
Perhaps even because of that, there was a sense of belonging to that group.
To find my spot in that community.
But I couldn’t settle.
I just didn’t fit it.
Although I felt good about the way I was expressing my creativeness.
A discovery of my own, that this community was too alternative for me.
I also told my psychologist.
Sometimes it is good to ventilate, even if it is later than when it actually happens.
In that sense I wasn’t fitting in, and I was ok with that.
Like any relationship, perhaps even the one with ourselves, we find parts of ourselves that are just not for us.
This is where I met this person.
It was some time ago, yes.
There was something to it.
To this person and I believe he did feel something.
However, he never said such a thing.
But when you know, you just know.
And that is where I went with him.
The beginning, middle and the end.
However, his heart was broken and then there was his best friend.
A nice girl, who took a lot of his attention.
There was no jealousy from my side.
But I did a couple of times try to mingle with her or just stand next to them.
Nothing was coming out of him.
I felt confused about that.
Because he did invite me to do things together.
We even went shopping together and he told me about his broken heart.
He was vulnerable with me.
‘Let me be your lover’, was appropriate to think.
And I felt it.
So, then I didn’t understand that at one point he came in with her.
His wife now and mother of his child.
I don’t know if he will have more with her.
But ok, I didn’t speak to him for a few months when they came in together.
I understand things can happen.
However, I was surprised.
Nonetheless.
I never questioned or had doubts about my own feelings for him.
I was just surprised to see them together all of a sudden.
Unexpected is not the right word, but perhaps you can call it that.
That is where I left it with him.
This story is not so much about my feelings for him or this mystery that was surrounding the time that I was spending with him. Nor that he came in with his new girlfriend all of a sudden.
I did feel hurt about that a little.
However I found solace.
In the end this is a happy story.
Because at the same time, I was understanding that this creative community wasn’t for me.
He found that it was where he belonged and settled.
And I think, because I saw him developing into settling down, it made me aware that this community wasn’t for me.
If that isn’t love.
I don’t know anymore.
A space where I was together with him, but at the same time found that distance.
Where we couldn’t be.
I wasn’t really sad about it at least.
Something that remained for all those years.
That I didn’t belong to that community.
From that point of view it made better sense to me, why he was all of sudden committed with her and had a child within a few years.
Don’t know if that came from a point of love.
However, I believe that when we make that way down and understand where we belong, perhaps even know what to call home.
That a significant relationship comes in and the rest is just history.