Something is happening.
And I find it hard to express.
I have been on this road before and I have said things then also.
Is this a mindfuck of what I am thinking?
I can see my thoughts and everything that comes with it.
However, nothing really happens.
I think that is for the better.
And then my life continues again.
But I still have this feeling.
I can hardly believe it myself.
Is this really happening?
To me?
Even?
Am I good enough for that?
That is where I leave that question.
For it to stay there.
Without an answer.
Without an answer, it will die.
Whatever might want to be expressed.
There is some mystery about that.
I know.
It could be some insecurity that is coming up.
And without answering it will either stay just there, or go away, by itself.
Because it is so dear to me, I find it hard.
Hard, to write it down or even speak up.
Can you imagine that?
I am standing on a crossroad where there is no turning back.
Only left or right and perhaps the secret option of going forward.
I think I will choose the last one.
It is the beating of my heart that is waking me up.
From where my head is, somewhere in the clouds.
If you know me just a little, this is exactly where I like to be.
A nice place to be, but things are a bit cloudy.
And that is no lie.
I think you would find the same.
But what my heart wants to express is where I am going.
It is that I am standing on that crossroad.
Still.
But it is not the choice I am facing.
Where to go or to make that turn.
It is where I realize where I have been and where I am right now.
Not even speaking about a place where I am going.
It is good to know where to come from.
To know where to look ahead.
And that could even be a life lesson in itself.
Congratulations.
A word I say a lot.
It could even be something that describes me.
And this is where I am waking up.
Having the nerve to write down what I find hard to express.
It feels like the silence before the storm.
I am right there in the middle.
It is so special here.
I can hardly believe it myself.
That I made it to this place.
Tranquil and exciting it is, at the same time.
And that is also why I want to write it down.
So, let me explain it a bit better.
Perhaps you know that feeling, that you did your exams and need to wait for the outcome.
You know you already passed it, however you still need to get back the results.
To get that confirmation, that you actually made it.
But that is not exactly how this feels.
Although I am coming quite close to it.
Sorry for that.
Ok, let me then just write it down, without trying to explain it.
Talking to myself just here.
Because sometimes it just goes like that.
OK, here I go.
I feel there is a relationship coming my way.
That I am even getting married to this person.
Apart from that, I don’t know anything.
Not a name, not even a face.
The only hint I am getting is that I know this person already.
And that could even be a trick question.
That I perhaps have seen this person on TV.
In a movie or show.
Perhaps just on Netflix.
It could all possibly be.
Because honestly, I don’t really want to get back with anyone I have been with.
Also I didn’t miss any opportunity in that field or something I would regret if I don’t do it.
I feel I am getting tested here.
To see that I have to right tools.
For a love to happen.
The most important tool is that I need to show my boundaries.
Don’t ask me why.
Why, it is so important.
I just feel it does.
I have to say it comes easily to me.
And perhaps that is how it should be.
Another tool of love is that I should not be losing my head and be able to stand on my own two feet.
I have a tendency to be anxious and be nervous.
Just because of some things that I experienced, in my past.
In the last couple of months I have learned to be in control of that.
To be in control of what we can control is a way to stay on both feet and not get sinked in the imaginary.
A good tool to have.
Not just in a relationship, but mainly for myself.
Again don’t ask me why.
It makes the negative disappear where the positive remains.
Perhaps that is why I wasn’t in a relationship before, or not in a right one.
Because I was staying in a place that was too dark.
I am a sun shining person, that needs to shine her light.
I need to be in a good place with myself, to be able to do that.
Perhaps only in that place can I find that kind of relationship.
Anyway.
Before going to that new chapter of my life, I need to have the tools and inner wisdom, perhaps even knowledge to be sure to handle it.
And to me that makes sense.
I mean, a relationship is two halves.
If something is missing it can become fragile.
And that is just the truth.
If I am not able to stand my ground, have my boundaries, a certain immunity, resistance and inner tools to stay on my two feet.
It can become something toxic and not healthy.
And I have to say, there is already enough of that.
Why it is so important, is still a mystery to me.
Perhaps I will find out, along the way.
But as I said, that is where I am standing on this crossroad.
A recapitulation of what I have learned in the last months, perhaps even years.
That is the truth and at the same time it all makes sense.
It all makes sense, all of a sudden.
It is the recapitulation of what I have learned that brought me to this place.
Where I am standing, with my two feet.
Not on the edge of a cliff, gazing down.
Nor with my feet in the water, where I can not see what is surrounding me.
Just a road, where I can take different routes.
To know all will lead to that destination where I am going.
Wherever that is, all will be fine.
Even if I don’t pass these tests, that I am facing.
And perhaps that was the last test I needed to succeed.
To know all will be good, no matter what.
Because a relationship involves another person, with their own mind, heart and soul.
Thoughts, feelings and everything else that is invisible for the eye.
To say that are things we can not control and we can only do what is in line with our own good.
A path I have been walking, that took me to this crossroad.
Perhaps I am going to stay here for a little while, it is what I am thinking.
I can take a little nap, or just sit here for some time.
Watching the birds flying over my head and seeing some trees in the far.
I am not staying out of comfort.
I just want to capture this moment with my heart.
Before I connect it with that person that is waiting.
Exciting is how I am feeling.
However, everything has its price.
Which means to me, that I still need to do some things before that can happen.
I need to clean out my closet as an example.
Since I am going on a trip.
Not an imaginary one, but you know what I mean.
If we are going to a new place.
We need to have the appropriate look and belongings that we take or leave behind.
Leaving behind the old, making way for the new.
And that sounds to me like love already.
The rest I leave to your imagination.
The fact is, that I am slowly making my way and enjoying every moment of it.
Understanding this immense step I am taking and what an effort it has taken me.
What I have done to get this far.
And then I didn’t even start yet.
It is all so amazing.
Happy is the best way to describe this feeling.
However, it is not about the completion of these tests.
That would be still somewhat empty.
These test are an accumulation of experiences that I gained and overcame.
Not necessarily for me to pass, but as a way to show.
That this is what I need to be doing, perhaps even finish.
To know I can handle situation with care and in an appropiate way.
Which is the end of that road.
Where a new love is waiting for me and I will live happily ever after.