‘Love pieces’, is what I wrote down for myself.
It must have been a few weeks ago when I made that reminder in my notes with these words.
There was a lot that came up at that time and I just wanted to make sure I wouldn’t forget.
As some time has passed and I am reading again those words I wrote down for myself.
I can’t remember what I am meant to write.
Not a forgetfulness or something I put down.
I just sometimes write down words as a possible title.
Words that make me remember, as a mental note of what I want to write at a later time.
Sometimes I am occupied with other things and I don’t want to forget what my mind is telling me to write about.
However, it stays blank in my mind, when thinking now about these words : ‘Love pieces’.
As much as I think about it and try to remember where I was, at that time of writing down just these words.
When I knew this was a story I shouldn’t forget.
Still nothing is coming up.
There are some thoughts that are going around in me, about some things I have said about ‘pieces of love’. However it isn’t an extension of that.
In an earlier reference to ‘love pieces’, I said that we need to develop those pieces of ourselves, to be loved by someone someday.
More about this in my story : ‘Committing to ourselves can lead to a love relationship’.
When I started writing this explanation I was getting a glimpse of what I wanted to write when it comes to ‘love pieces’, however it has gone again.
I don’t know why it doesn’t want to show anymore, that it has faded away from my memory a second time.
It had something to do with a guy, at least something I saw when writing this explanation I wrote just a few minutes before.
I am still trying to trace back that story that I thought was something I should write down.
I believe this story I thought to write about was not so much about the development of these pieces of ourselves, but more about pieces of love that I was seeing of a love that would happen.
Things we would be doing, traveling to places or things we would be saying.
Him giving me water when I had been throwing up and cleaning after myself when I was unable to do so because of having a fever.
Hanging down the laundry, when I had put it in the washingmachine, or the other way around.
Perhaps even doing it together.
I remember why the idea of this guy made this story come back to me, because at the time when I wrote down these words ‘love pieces’ as a title, I had so many images of what this love could be.
They were pieces of love.
There was so much going on inside of me when all of this happened, that I believe the only thing I was able to write down, was just these two words : ‘love pieces’.
For me to unraffle it when I had more time to think about and process it.
But I think I also asked myself that question of how to get that love I was seeing.
It was all so intense.
The answer I was getting from myself was : ‘love pieces’.
I don’t know if that was supposed to be ironic.
Although it came from myself and I guess that is also something I can be.
However I can understand, or just something that I made clear for myself is that finding those pieces of love would lead to these pieces of love I saw.
The way to find this love I saw in pieces is by getting pieces of love.
In other words, getting the love that I was seeing in pieces is to find pieces of love.
Not just to develop those parts of myself.
However I just wrote down those two words.
I thought I wouldn’t forget about it, since this love is so intense.
At least something my eyes were seeing.
I would see that love when I was eating my breakfast, drinking my coffee and all day when I was working.
Working closely with this person, waking up with him, at least eating breakfast together.
I guess those are the same thing.
It would be convenient.
And then my mind started to think.
Is this actually one love or am I seeing different pieces of love?
It is a good question.
It could all be.
Perhaps for me to leave it open, to see what would happen.
Although I have a clue.
I think they are different pieces of love, of different pieces of love.
Different happenings of love with different people I would share a love with.
When I think about it now, I just hope it will not be a love that will leave me in pieces.
Perhaps it is still too far to see, or at something what I am fearing.
I don’t know if this is a quest that I am making up for myself, but somehow it does make sense to me.
I mean, the interpretation, perhaps explanation of what I believe love pieces are, is so much.
It feels that I am writing down pieces of love that are out there for me.
Not only as a way to reach that destination but those pieces of love are a destination itself.
If you get what I mean.
It has only been once that I had a clear view of a potential lover.
Which I have been writing down in a few stories.
‘Will love happen in the future?’
‘Are photos part of the journey of love?’
It is making me hesitant to write about those love pieces that I am seeing.
Then again, it doesn’t matter if nothing ever happens.
It would just be a story about love, I guess.
Something I am saying to myself.
A part of myself that is showing, a piece of love I am finding.
I believe it is because my biological clock is ticking, where I am confusing having a relationship with having children.
I mean, I am turning 40 tomorrow and I don’t have endless time to have a long relationship, perhaps even marriage without getting children.
Just something I am telling myself.
I guess it is true, but it doesn’t mean that I should have children at this age.
I still have time.
More important is to know that even if I cross that age of 40 I can have a relationship, even a marriage without getting children.
I guess that is another piece of that love.
I am not getting children, but a marriage yes.
A divorce also.
Since there is this other love which I told about in those other stories.
I believe he will be the father of my children and it will be my second marriage.
Until death do us part.
Whatever that truly means.
But it makes me question.
Why are these different stories coming up?
Is this something I need to know?
It is just making me think.
I described in that story ‘Committing to ourselves can lead to a love relationship’, that it is necessary to develop those parts of ourselves.
Necessary for ourselves to become, to be loved by someone.
It means when we have found those parts of ourselves that at the end of it , there is a relationship waiting.
But above all, expressing these pieces I see happening, writing it down, processing it for my mind to understand.
It is a way for me to continue on this road of love.
To see where this all is leading to.
Since that is the real journey.
Not knowing where you are going to, but to follow what we see and feel that is coming from inside.