I believe it was a few months ago that I had no interest in looking at men.
Not that I was interested in women or wanting to explore that side.
It was just that I wasn’t looking at all.
It felt I needed to be in that place to see things in introspect and investigate something deeper to understand myself better.
I knew it had a purpose why I wasn’t looking or wasn’t interested.
More about this in my story : ‘As long as you smile and not make big mistakes, all will be fine’.
That said, I believe I am coming out of a shell.
Before I wasn’t looking at any men, in a sense of dating or speaking about love.
But, I noticed I am looking at men, in a way that before I wasn’t.
There is no hesitation when I look them in the eyes.
Nor do I feel that there is something to be said.
It feels to me that I am searching for something, looking at those men.
A process of loading, to investigate different options.
Because lately I am low in energy and I have been questioning to myself if it could be possible that I could either charge or recharge myself with someone I like.
Possibly a boyfriend.
As interesting as that is, it feels to me that I am gathering information, while I am doing this.
To find that person who will be mine.
It makes me think about something I once heard.
About a guy that wasn’t able to find a lover in his residing country.
Then one time he went to the south.
All of a sudden girls were ‘digging’ his looks and he had a lot of flirts.
I don’t know if he ended up marrying, but let’s say for the story he did.
I just like happy endings.
Not only because it makes me feel good, but also because I am Indian.
In Bollywood love stories, it doesn’t matter what happens to the lovers, as long as they end up together.
For me it makes it worth living knowing about the happy ending, because yet again I am Indian.
I know this sounds a bit dramatic. But it is just the way I was born.
Not related to my late father or late mother.
Just a dramatic gene that is part of who I am and I can not do anything about.
I am just that sensitive, that I need things to end up happy.
It makes me special, yet again there are so many Indians that have the same.
Perhaps I am just the first one expressing it, to make it understood.
It is a form of my identity I can not deny.
I don’t know if this is something to be proud of, but having this special gene, it makes me proud to be Indian.
Back to the story of this guy that changed locations and found out he was a hotshot in a different environment.
It did make me wonder if this is something that was in any way related to me.
It isn’t that I have a lack of attention or options.
I believe for me it is the other way around.
That the men in the country that I am right now, are not interesting to me.
Many reasons I can give, but mainly because I am not Dutch.
And because I am mostly surrounded by men with this nationality. I can exclude my guy from the country, the Netherlands.
I just don’t like Dutch men.
If I would follow the story of this guy, it would mean that changing locations would be the solution to finding a person that does fit me.
It is a welcome fact that I have already found a job in a country, relatable to standards that I like.
Not to say that this guy is from that country, but I would be more at ease and it would create a platform and possible opportunities to find that person.
A less stressful environment where there is space for me to go out and have a little fun.
Where the focus of life is to take things slow and not so much bothered what others think.
A social environment that is more committed to self and loved ones, instead of how it looks on the outside.
Perhaps it is just the last straw of my life of being single.
Because with my time investigating my options, I believe I will at one unguarded point pass someone and look him in the eye.
The same as what I am doing with the people who are coming to the restaurant.
‘Would you like to have a drink or you know what you would like to order?’
A sign they need to stop chit chatting.
Then I look them in the eye, to make sure they have understood what I have been asking.
Perhaps I would also ask him something, however I can’t think of anything right now.
But when that moment happens I know the words will come out right.
The same as in the restaurant.
It isn’t about what I will say or the question that I will ask.
The meaning of this meeting, means for him that the time is up.
When we stay too long at a place we shouldn’t, it is the world around us that starts to tremble.
I don’t know if you can call it the Matrix, however it is how the world works.
It is something I have experienced myself.
In my situation I became sick, where I was having a virus infection that didn’t want to heal in proper timing.
A sign my time was up, because I was staying in a place that I shouldn’t.
But all doesn’t have to be negative.
It was also one time that an older man told me. ‘You should ask for a raise, you are very professional’ and on another occasion I was telling someone how busy it was and the reply I received was : ‘I didn’t notice any of that with you’.
Of course that concept of that the timing is done, is different for everyone.
With someone I know she was working at a place and there was someone from another department constantly telling her that she was too smart for that job.
I believe that sometimes if we are too involved in a way and are not able to see where we need to be going, it is the outside that is making us notice.
Because nature has its own way.
Not speaking about god, religion or anything spiritual.
Of course you need to live from the inside and be committed to yourself, to understand that.
To come back to that loading process and gaining information to find this person that is mine.
It was another story I was told by someone I was sharing the same working space with.
She told me that she met the father of her children at the same job.
He however, was already in a relationship. Even living together with that other person.
However he had seen her and decided he wanted to be with her instead.
It is just another example that the timing was up.
We can fool around, playing for keeps, drifting off the current or just pretend to not notice anything.
It is where we are caught up by time, where we have to become real about ourselves.
To come clean about how we actually feel or admit to yourself you are in love with someone else instead.
It is the work that needs to be done, for a love that is meant to last.
Don’t ask me why, but I have a feeling the person that mine is in a relationship.
Perhaps even living together with her, making plans for the future.
But that future is with me.
He is already reserved.
And that reservation is mine.
How I came to know this, is a story I think is a bit extraordinary.
I was working in a restaurant and was putting the reserved cards on the tables.
Just for people to know that these tables were reserved.
And, of course this is how the outside world would preserve it.
Every time I was putting the reservation card on the table, something made me turn my head and have a look at it.
So I started looking a bit closer at it.
I was just trusting the process.
That was the only thing I could do.
Although not everyone is highly sensitive and would understand that message of being reserved by their senses.
It is not just the reservation that is mine, but it is also that I am reserved.
To make space for us to come together.
It was then when I started to notice the deeper meaning of it.
There are things that help us, to protect our being.
That is not just the task of humans.
Not to say that I would be taking someone’s lover.
But what is mine, can not be shared.
Because sometimes we build up a life that we think is ours, but actually it is just a built up in general.
It really is.
It doesn’t mean it is connected to that person, although we have come to believe it is.
I can’t tell you why, but just another story I once heard that would add up to what I am saying.
It was a person that told me she had plans to have a baby with her significant other at that time.
However they separated and he had a child with another person.
This doesn’t sound that special, but they had gone over baby names and she was saying with tears that he took the name that they had discussed.
Although from her point of view I can understand that this is devastating to hear and perhaps even respectless to the relationship they had.
To me it doesn’t always have to be like that.
We can share dreams, have relationships, think that what we want with someone is connected to each other and will last forever.
Perhaps just a fantasy to keep on dreaming.
The question is, if this is a reality to live by.
When we think of discussing baby names for example.
If we think of it as a way we express it to ourselves.
I can assure you the world will be a lot different and there will be much more light and happiness.
It means there will be less harm and we don’t have to shed any tears when the other person is taking the baby ‘s name.
Just for the simple fact that we can not predict the future.
It only means it is reserved for the right time, place and person.
Perhaps I am taking away thoughts of what we think is romantic.
However, is it really?
It is just a way to protect the heart and to make sure that what is meant to be, will last.
Also it is a reduction of stress, less pressure to build a family and even a built up to happiness, because we are less caught up with what the other person is doing and putting the attention to our own hopes and dreams.
In a sense it is the same as in life.
Where you can do whatever, and at one point you are being put on a different road.
Not that someone is watching, it just means you have waited long enough.
Perhaps it is even something that he will say, once I have looked him in the eye.
Just for me to understand that he will be mine.