It must have been a long time since I went out.
However when I think about it, that is not completely true.
It was maybe a long time ago since I had this similar feeling, that I had, when going out like the way I did.
But at the moment I was having this epiphany, perhaps even the experience, it didn’t feel like it was that long ago.
However it wasn’t yesterday also.
So there I was.
In this place.
There was a lot of music.
Heavy and loud.
I don’t know if you can call music heavy, but to me, it felt like it.
It wasn’t bothering me though.
Perhaps even a welcome intermezzo of the remembrance I was having.
That feeling, of a long time ago.
I was explaining in the beginning of this story.
Going out with one friend.
I don’t know if it was really bothering me what happened or that it was just something from my past that needed to be set straight.
Perhaps it was just both.
It doesn’t really matter anyway.
I believe I was just standing and listening to the music and a moment later, I was looking for my friend.
After a few second I found her, not that far from where I was.
In a serious conversation with some boy.
At least it looked quite serious in my opinion.
I walked a bit closer to see and hear what was said.
However I still couldn’t tell if it was an attempt from both to persuade each other, or that I needed to save one.
I kept my distance, to not interfere in anything that was supposed to happen.
But I think they felt my appearance.
Not that they looked up, but they went to the bar to get a drink.
What the difference was with what happened years ago.
I can’t really tell.
Perhaps the explanation of the situation is just an awareness that I am someone that is looking after a friend.
To make sure everything is going well.
As this is already nice to know in it’s essence.
It is up to debate for myself, if this is something that is worth doing.
That said, I wonder if there is more to the story.
Because somehow it did bother me.
Not that it was an itch that I could prevent, but more an annoyance of the person I was looking after.
I mean, we are all grown up and we shouldn’t just disappear from our company without telling.
But the worst part is that I am standing there looking at some seducing attempt, which I can’t even say it is worth watching.
The following questions in my mind started raising :
‘Is this really what I want to be seeing?’
‘What am I actually watching and is that actually worth my time?’
‘Would the change of my action prevent in any kind?’
Better to say : ‘is me being a babysitter to a grown up woman preventing anything to happen?’
Perhaps is just this that I am saying to myself.
‘Should’t I just spend my time better?’
Because in the end who really cares what happens?
But the most important question:
‘Is the energy that I am putting in there to watch over someone preventing me to actually find the right one for myself?’
Am I in essence blocking myself?
So, I think this is what I should be doing.
Although it is great to know that I care, it is this awareness that I am blocking myself, that this is actually preventing me in time and energy to be open for a love for myself.
The change that I should be making is to let people make their own choices and perhaps even mistakes.
Because even if I am not even interfering, by simply being there from a far, it is really none of my business.
And as I said before, nobody really cares what happens anyway.
So why should I then be that one that does?
A lesson well learned, to let people take care of their own ….
You can fill in the blank space yourself.
Because when I really think of it, all this time I have been watching to make sure nothing is happening, I can’t even come up what it actually is that they are doing.