The last days have been weird.
I really can’t put a different word to it.
It was a lost love that made this happen.
Or just a name that I am giving him.
One of many names that I called him.
And for some reason I am feeling a bit sad that this is a name that I have to add to this list of names.
Why I can’t really say.
Just a deeper feeling that something is unfinished.
The first name I called him, was his name.
Which is pretty obvious.
The second name I came up to call him was actually due to his own way.
One day he showed up with a moustache that was undeniable.
It was really there.
That I couldn’t really take my eyes off it.
That this moustache was there all of a sudden.
I started questioning myself why this happened.
Perhaps he just needed some attention?
I can’t really tell if that is the way to go.
But surely I couldn’t really let it pass me by.
It did make me wonder if he actually had a moustache already.
That he grew one over some time and it was just the moment it was fully grown and therefore visible.
So I checked his Instagram to see his older pictures if his moustache was showing there.
And yes, he had one already for a long time.
Long before I ever met him.
Actually.
I couldn’t really move around it.
And just had to call it what it was.
Thus this name I started calling him appeared.
The name : The Moustache.
But there was more about this name.
Then just this thing on his face.
Although a bit out of the blue the way this moustache showed.
It became a reason I could talk about him when he was around, without him noticing.
Because I have to admit my heart was a bit broken.
Due to things that happened between us.
It was a way for me to ventilate and perhaps even make fun about him through this moustache.
Not that I was bullying him.
Because till this day he doesn’t know that I called him this.
And I think he might never find out.
A protection mechanism I created by calling him ‘The Moustache’.
To prevent the hurt that I felt and keep him at a distance.
Subconsciously.
I think the name Moustache was a nice name that suited this.
Or perhaps a way of expressing my love, without him feeling it.
A fact was that my heartbreak didn’t really became less and I had to find my way to get over him.
However, giving him this name, did give me space and time when he was around.
For him to not hurt me, with his actions.
Because it was not his words that made the cuts in my soul.
And how much I wish to go deeper into that and explain more about how he hurted me.
I can’t really say much about that.
It is for me to heal and understand.
Perhaps when I am there I will tell.
But this name moustache I will keep.
It is a nice memory about him and something that is close to his heart.
If I love him, I don’t know.
That he was someone that I couldn’t deny.
That is for sure.
The same as his moustache.
Perhaps this is why this moustache was showing.
And I have to say that I am checking sometimes his Instagram to see if his moustache is still there.
A way to keep me safe, to know he is still the same person.
A sorrow that I am still feeling.
That I couldn’t connect with him.
But luckily there is this moustache that is making me remember that I hope one day things will be different.
Although that is not a choice of my own.
Because love doesn’t go that way.
It needs 2 people that are willing to do the work.
Perhaps a lesson I need to learn or just to write down.
So here it is.
After that, the names I gave him were a bit less creative.
One day I called him afraid.
He just kept canceling on me for no reason.
Of course there can be many reasons for that.
Being afraid is surely one of them.
Perhaps even the main cause.
And then he just always told me he was busy.
Not really the reason he cancelled on me.
But busy was never a name that I gave him.
I think he was mainly stuck in his head or just a bit lost in his own ego.
And again fears or being afraid is surely also the root of all that.
Afraid, I think was a name to legit put on this list of names I gave him.
But that the love with him is lost.
I am still doubting.
I don’t know why I feel this way.
He is not in my life and I ended things with him.
Many times.
The last time I told him that I was giving up.
I am saying it this fast, because I don’t want to go too deep into it.
I am still healing.
The reason I gave up trying.
Trying to make something, is that I couldn’t make contact with him.
Although he is really my type, the way he looks.
Strong, fashionable and a bit selfish.
He was just taking too much drugs.
This drug thing took everything away for me.
It made me so afraid.
It turned me into dust.
A ghost of my own.
Scared of my own being.
But it wasn’t the drugs that were the problem.
I also take drugs.
Sometimes.
When the right occasion rises and when it is safe to take.
For reasons I think before I take them or before I take them in general.
Taking drugs in this way is safe.
But he is not doing that.
And I am getting afraid when I am with him.
We are just not matching habits.
Generally speaking that is not good to be with someone.
But I listened to these feelings.
That I was getting afraid when he was near.
The fear was so deep that it prohibited me from running from him.
It made me freeze.
A trauma he gave me, with his actions.
Doing things in his own way.
For his own sake.
Not letting go of the drugs, but using them to hide his true colors.
Something I could see in him and tried to make contact with that.
But I can’t change someone that wants to be someone he isn’t.
A lesson well learned.
Also the way I listened to my feelings.
It prevented me from getting hurt.
Kept me safe in my being.
But will I out him?
Tell you who he is?
That perhaps other girls will not intervene with him?
I already told one girl to not go there with him, because he is using drugs.
The rest I will leave open.
Simply because it isn’t my task to protect girls that want to be fooled or are with him because of how he looks or the scene he is in.
From the outside it looks all appealing.
And the inside…
Well, you can fill in that blank space yourself.
And this is where I will leave this.
The list of names of how I called him, is completed.
But the reason why I think the story between me and him is not completely done.
One day he also called me a name that was different from the one on my birth certificate.
And it isn’t just about the calling of names.
Although I have to say I felt flattered.
But love is about feelings.
About understanding your emotions.
Actioning accordingly.
Following your passion.
Fighting until you get it right.
A battle to see who is the boss.
Which is to me the beginning of a relationship.
To fight one’s dragons.
Slaying them to build resistance.
I think I beat his.
I will tell more about this one day.
But this dragon is there to say, you shall not pass.
If you want to be with me.
You have to fight my dragon first.
Because I am a Princess.
Or so to say.
Not locked up in a tower.
But this dragon is there to keep me safe.
Burn you alive if you come to close.
Scare you when you look at him.
Or bite you when you wake him up when he is sleeping.
It is a true story.
In case you don’t believe me.
To come back to the reason I think that we are not over yet.
It is a battle of getting to know each other.
To go all the places and beat them piece by piece.
Until there is nothing left and he can only say.
I give up. You won.
Not undermining my authority anymore, but accepting his faith, next to my side.
That he is a Prince or a King.
I don’t think so.
Will he ever be one.
No.
But love conquers all and that is what I am willing to sign for.
So, that is what I am doing here.
To end this story.
I will tell you this name he gave me.
I believe more a reflection of his own.
Because I don’t identify with that name, he gave me.
He called me crazy.
As you see this fight who is the boss and who is stronger is still ongoing.
But I have to say I felt flattered.
That he tried, to fight my dragon.
I think I like it.
For now, my dragon is sleeping and his attempt didn’t really wake it.
So let’s see when that happens.
And this is why I feel that the story with him is not over yet.
But to come back to that name he gave me.
We are all a bit of just that.
So why don’t just accept it and name it the way it is?
This is the part where I kill the last part of his dragon.
As I said, I don’t see myself as crazy, and if you ever doubt how to call me, you can always just call me by my real name.