I am somewhere in between.
I don’t know if you can call it being stuck.
Perhaps preparing for something that is coming.
At least it feels like it is near to me.
It is that I saw a lot of content about an American couple.
I thought at first it was about the reaction of the guy.
Because I only saw what he was saying, when the girl was sometimes ‘pushing his buttons’.
‘You will get mad at me for this’, is what she says.
Or : ‘I hope you can still forgive me, after I told you what I did’.
That is why I thought it was about his reaction.
But it took some time to know it wasn’t.
Not that I was looking for that answer, but figured it out, after watching all that content about them.
I was laughing because this guy was really cheap.
And she would put expensive products in their shopping cart.
He was getting a bit mad at it.
Also when he found out how expensive makeup is.
When they went to shop together and he saw the ‘women’s section’.
And I have to say I feel a bit the same about that.
Later I heard from them, in one of the videos, that she was pregnant and they were on a tight budget.
So if he is really cheap and her just being pregnant, that is the real question.
But I think he is really a bit cheap.
I don’t know if that is funny.
He also likes to eat leftovers standing in the kitchen and he didn’t know that there are people in the world that drink tea without sugar.
It was funny to hear his accent, though.
They are both southern americans.
I still don’t know why they post so much about themselves.
Sometimes it isn’t really funny, but I keep on watching.
Somehow.
But then all of a sudden I was getting resentful watching this content.
Because I thought, or actually saw all these ‘negative things’, of the person.
For example that it isn’t really that funny if someone doesn’t know there are people that drink tea without sugar.
I mean that isn’t that hard to believe.
Not that much out of this world also, I would say.
I felt a bit sad to see it.
It also doesn’t say much about those people who don’t drink sugar in their tea.
I consider myself one of them.
However, I was still feeling a bit sad about this content, somehow.
But I was thinking.
How funny it is, perhaps, to be in a relationship.
You also get to have the negative side of this person.
That could be in any kind of way and you don’t know that at first sight.
Perhaps you will get to know that along the way and it is too far to say no.
That would be really something.
Not only that, you have to get into arguments and I was thinking.
I don’t think I want that.
It sounds childish, right?
Perhaps I am not completely ready yet for a relationship.
Still standing on the side of things, reaching for something.
Or that example I was seeing on the internet is not the kind of relationship I will get.
It could be both.
Who knows?
But it crossed my mind.
It is funny that all this time and all these years I wanted to be in a relationship.
And now when it is coming near.
When I see all of this, I have the feeling that I want to stay single.
Safe in my own being.
But deep down, I know that this is part of the process.
And when I get there, all these ‘negatives’ things will help me grow and develop.
Because that is something that I do.
Or I will find the answers along the way.
And in the end all will be fine.
I have the feeling that I still need to have some chapters to write.
So to speak.
Before I can reach to that kind of conclusion of being in a certain relationship.
I guess that is why I am feeling this way.
Resentful and questioning.
Even doubting a little bit.
Perhaps even for the better, in this moment.
Protecting myself for unnecessary harm or choices I shouldn’t be making.
By thinking and explaining it to myself in this way.
But for now, to be in that kind of serious relationship.
The only thing I can say is that I can wait a little longer.