Distance creates attraction, is something I was thinking for some time.
It was that I took my distance for a while.
Mainly from people.
It wasn’t something that I was doing on purpose, but it just happened to be like that.
I went back to the Netherlands, leaving behind Lisbon how I knew it, due to circumstances.
I believe it was a process that happened automatically.
It was that I was in the Netherlands, seeing people literally from a distance.
The space between where I was in the past and the difference with the present was giving me time to have a look.
It gave me the opportunity to gain insights about people that I wasn’t able to see before.
A reflection time about actions and words that were said.
Leading to knowledge of what people were actually like.
A closing off time, for me to be able to start a new life.
Understanding who is about to come with me on that journey.
In hindsight, perhaps this all wasn’t quite a coincidence.
Since it all has to do with relationships and connections.
Who is important to me?
That wasn’t particular a question that I asked, but it is important to me.
The distance and space was giving the care that I needed, not just to see what happened.
But the occurrence of actions and meetings, made me understand what was healthy and what wasn’t.
In these connections and relationships.
Not even speaking about love.
How to come together again, in the right way or who I was letting go for my own sake.
Where there was space to grow.
It was interesting for me to understand that this distance was giving this knowledge.
For me to act and take care of some situations that weren’t good.
I don’t want to go too much into detail. Being discrete is one of my assets.
However perhaps there is something for me to explain, a hidden knowledge, a last death so I can leave it behind.
It was someone that I had met through a dating app. I had declined him in the app, but because I had my instagram account in my information. He had found me and started speaking to me there.
In modern times this could perhaps already be seen as a red flag, however I just didn’t really know what was wrong about this.
It did make me think and I thought it was a bit odd to do something like this, since he knew I declined him.
Perhaps it was something that I needed to learn, was my second thought.
We started talking and it was a welcome distraction for the things that I was doing.
I invited him for a drink with people that I also just met shortly.
A nice gathering and he had brought me a gift one day that was again a bit odd.
I didn’t think much of it, but this could have been a second red flag.
However, all was still innocent.
Giving a present is nothing bad.
It was when I returned to the Netherlands and was thinking about a friend of his.
Some girl that was so weird and he considered her as a real close friend.
They didn’t really grow up together, but they did know each other for quite some time.
I can’t really recollect how they met, but I do remember it felt a bit odd.
However it was still not enough for me to worry about a thing.
Yet, I think it was the start of a loading process.
This was the first time that I started to notice how he really was.
That he wasn’t any good for me.
It was that we went to a party together, this was before I had met his other friend.
We bumped into people he knew and I had to wait for him to continue partying.
It seemed to me he knew the crowd or at least had seen them before.
While I was waiting, it gave me time to take a look of what was happening. Better to say what kind of people he was surrounded by or at least that he knew.
The word odd wouldn’t describe the full context, but weird they were the least. The same as one of his other friends that I was meeting later.
A connection I started to make, that he wasn’t in a good place and I shouldn’t hang out too much with him.
But then something really strange happened.
A few days earlier. He had asked to stay over at my place, while I was living with roommates and it was not allowed to have people over.
Of course if he was my boyfriend I could have asked if it was ok if he would spend the night, but he wasn’t and I had made clear to him that he was my friend, or at least that is how I was perceiving him.
Something he had understood, because he was complaining a bit after I had told him how I wanted to have a connection with him, ‘that he was always friendzoned by girls that he liked’.
It seemed it wasn’t much of my problem.
My message had been clear to him.
Yet, he still tried to sleep in my apartment, which was not allowed in the first place.
A given fact I told him and then he still asked me at least one more time if he could crash at my place, since he had to work till late.
He stopped asking me after I had said : ‘Of course, if you really can not find another place to be, you can always sleep here’.
It was for me, that I realized he had different intentions.
He was just trying to get in my bed.
Shortly after this, all of a sudden he had a girlfriend.
‘He was really in love’, he had said.
‘And all was amazing’, he kept repeating.
He continued to speak about her for a couple of days, without any reason given, nor did I had asked for it.
I believed him for the time being, because why should I not.
I asked about her name that he never told me and when it was his birthday about 2 weeks later, he didn’t even mention celebrating it with her. Or that she was around the least.
Strange and odd were always around when I was speaking with him and it made me confused, why he said or asked certain things.
The girlfriend thing, I believe he had said to make me a bit jealous.
I can’t come up with any other reason why he would come up with someone that isn’t really in the present life. Especially since he couldn’t stay over just a little bit before this happened.
Otherwise he would be really crazy and it would give me more reason to keep my distance from him.
But the fact that he had done these things was the last straw that I maybe needed to cut cords with him.
It wasn’t just that he did and said those things.
He had crossed my boundaries, while it was very clear from the beginning that it wasn’t something I wanted.
More important was that he had taken space that is reserved for someone else and he kept trying to be someone he wasn’t.
I don’t even know if this was a role he played or that he genuinely wanted to be my boyfriend.
Maybe there was something else playing.
I am just trying to be nice.
The point is that his intentions were no good, while for me it was clear from the beginning.
He became an intruder in my space, taking away my energy, filling them with weirdness, oddness, strangeness and making me confused.
Making my head spin and think about things I didn’t want and didn’t ask for.
By letting him go, I am making a way to find someone that is nice to me and not cross my boundaries.
That doesn’t push any button, I don’t want to be pushed.
Or where I feel I need to defend my space and protect my mental health, because some guy doesn’t have his intentions right.
A release of negativity is what is happening.
Where perhaps I will find someone that does match my energy.