Some lines I wrote down, to know what I am going to write about.
Just some kind of frame, for me to remember or let the story unfold by itself.
The line is as follows.
‘What being interested does to you’.
And yes, I will give you some more context about that.
Because this alone, means nothing.
Or just not that much.
Vague you can say it is.
So, let me tell you some more about it.
It is not particularly love related.
Or at least how we think about love.
Perhaps it is even just my own thoughts about what love means.
Since I am writing this story.
However, it can be related to you.
Who knows.
I hope it does for you.
And if you know me just a little you know that is truly my wish.
That said, there is something that needs to get off my chest.
Captured in those lines I wrote.
‘What being interested does to you’.
When it comes to interest, it can be many things.
Being interested in someone, or something.
A job you like, that dress to wear or just in general being interested in what can happen in that tv show or that series on Netflix.
However, I don’t want to go too deep there.
Just for you to have an overview on what this can mean.
It is something that I experienced that was leading me to write about this : ‘being interested’.
It was something I was interested in before going to University.
Politics.
So I took that course and fast forward I finished that education, in case you wonder.
I have a Masters degree in Public Management.
I walked the beaten path, of internships and gaining that kind of experience for me to finally work in the European Parliament in Brussels, Belgium.
Heaven it felt to me, a dream came through even.
I finally made it there, some words I said when I was hired for that job.
And no wonder, it was something I had invested my time and energy in.
So happy was appropriate to be.
And I was, without a doubt.
I think I even did a little victory dance in the little studio I was living in at that time.
I wasn’t ashamed of doing that, since I was alone there anyway.
And so I danced a little, to give outlet to that emotion I was feeling.
Releasing the happiness that was there.
Fast forward to that ending of working in the European Parliament in Brussels.
It must have been about 2 years later, where I had a little apartment of 50m2 in the center of Brussels. There was a red wall and I had painted some chairs blue and yellow to make it more artistic.
Oh, I had such a nice time there. I still have good memories.
Saying this with a smile on my face.
However, I was fired from that job.
Sad I was about it, mainly about how it all happened.
I think it was just a representation of how politics work.
A snake cave it was.
Mean and dirty even.
Focussed on things that were not important.
A lot of childish behavior from the politicians working there.
They were mainly money involved, perhaps just some that were there to fight for their own ideals.
And then I didn’t even speak about the ‘popstar-syndrome’, some were living.
Thinking that they were so important, that they would lose all form of reality.
I think that is a bit sad, if you would ask me.
Grown-up people, treathing their staff as slaves and they could just do and say whatever they felt.
Bullying behavior was it to me. Torture even in some cases.
And then I didn’t even mention the working-alcoholics, who started and ended their day with a drink or anything else related to that. Some who were taking other things to keep them going and made them perform on the level they were at.
There were also these politicians that were groping their interns in the elevator, where you could clearly see that the interns weren’t really hired for their brains or intellect.
And that more or less was my time in the European Parliament in Brussels.
Disappointed I was, when seeing all of this.
It was grabbing me around my heart, even.
I am speaking about the highest of society, making the changes for us.
The elected ones, saying words that till this day I still don’t understand.
Not just the words, but also the meaning behind it all.
Marketing strategies that were used, just to be kept elected. Showing up or staying hidden at certain events to play a game that we all know is not right. Just for them to say what they want to say, without any essence that is really changing anything.
And I can say that, since people are still complaining about politics.
There is really no wonder there.
Can you understand that?
I can’t, I have to say.
For me the change in the world, doesn’t mean we are there for our own good, the ideals we follow or that we feel the need to be someone just because.
Without any specific meaning.
And this is where I end my frustration I was having about that time working there.
Which started as an interest I had and also something I really believed in.
It led me to being fired, only because.
There was no specific reason.
Just that it happened like that.
A tower moment, as we say in the spiritual world.
And as sad I was about how it happened, I was also relieved that I didn’t have to be part of something that wasn’t right. That didn’t feel real. A world I saw that wasn’t making any changes for the good of society.
And those are my own words, not made by a team to make me look good.
A new path I was put on, to understand and heal. To recover and rediscover.
Regain that power I lost while working at a place that wasn’t any good for me.
Opposite of my own standards and perhaps that was the attraction I was facing.
To understand my own habits, norms and values.
Where I can make that positive change where society can flourish.
Even when I don’t know how.
I know I will figure it out, somehow or along the way.
Seeing politics at this level was just a glimpse of what I needed to see, to understand that changes in society aren’t made like this.
An example I needed to learn.
Little that I know, some more examples would follow.
That are safe with me in my cabinet of rarities.
Perhaps one day I will tell you more about it.
A road I am on to exclude, for me to find out how and where.
To make the changes where positive changes for society are made.
And all of this started with being interested.
Just this little spark, leading me to discover about a world that wasn’t mine and never will be.
To find that light shining back on me, where a new journey starts for me to discover somehow.
As intense this experience was, it was something that came back in recent days where there was a similar outcome.
A contract not being extended, since I was in my probation time.
I wasn’t fired as such.
The funny thing is, that although it was more or less the same outcome, I was never interested in that job.
I was asked to do it and I said yes.
Never in my mind I had thought about this job and all the time performing this role, something was feeling off.
I didn’t know what that exactly was.
But I think it came from the point that I was never interested to perform this role in the first place.
I was just filling a space that was there and people thought I was the right person for it.
A great compliment of course, but I don’t think these things go like this.
And that is just my honest opinion.
If you would ask me ofcourse.
To conclude.
For one job I was really interested in and spent a lot of time and energy on, however I was replaced without my knowing.
When I heard about that, I wrote a letter where I had asked to come to an outcome that would serve both parties best. And so I was fired.
The other job I had never had an interest in and it was leading to the same outcome, where my contract was not extended, due to my behavior, that was having a negative impact on the team. As it was said to me at the exit meeting.
The tears were rolling down my cheek, because I just couldn’t believe what I just heard.
A job that had nothing to do with behavior, became somehow a reason for me to not get my contract extended.
And then I didn’t even say what actually happened, where the responsibility was supposed to be taken.
I can say one thing, it wasn’t on my shoulders.
And by saying these things to me in that exit meeting, that weight was lifted.
The company showed their true face.
It was just clear that these people didn’t know anything about me. Or who I truly am.
By the things they said and the reason they gave, I don’t really feel the need to explain that to them. But One day they will for sure find and know.
However I know that those words they said were not true. The same as many politicians that believe in their own lies.
That is just not a world I am living in.
So, I wipe away my tears and clean my face. I stretch my legs and put my headset on.
For me to move on with my life. Where I can face the world again, without being embarrassed or feeling ashamed about myself.
Where I can live life, how I see it.
The changes that need to be made for a society that believes in the good of people.
In case you are looking for me, I would be the first in line.
To come back to the two times my job contract was not extended for malicious reasons.
When it comes to being interested or not, the outcome is basically the same.
I think I was just in the same kind of environment, just a little bit different.
That is the only reason I can think of, to make sense of what this truly means.
At least to me.
And that is just ok I guess.
To get fired is nothing really to be ashamed of, is what I am learning.
For me it is even a blessing in disguise.
As I explained to someone, earlier this week.
The struggle I was feeling already since the start of that job, was fading away.
Some health issues I had, started to disappear. I could focus again back on myself and I felt this creative flow returning to my life. The fog in my head was turning into dust.
Being connected to this job was taking away a lot from me.
My mental health, worries and anxiety.
Nothing that was making me really happy actually.
And with the company taking that kind of responsibility, by letting me go the way they did.
They didn’t only show how they truly are, but I was put back on my own path.
Full of desires and dreams.
Time was flowing back to me, choices I could make for my own good.
Since that pressure was off.
I am grateful for that.
Saying this from the bottom of my heart.
I didn’t have to be someone anymore that needed to fit in.
To perform for reasons I couldn’t come up with, but what I did anyway. A natural process, that comes with that package.
I felt a failure and worse things, that I don’t know how to express.
Now, I don’t feel that anymore, even when I wasn’t that in the first place.
This is the kind of negative impact this company had.
The irony that they gave that as a reason for me to leave that place.
I think it was a reflection of who they are.
When I think about it now, I have to laugh about it.
Not a sour smile, but a happy one.
And that is just the end of that.
All that is left to say is that I didn’t fit in both places.
The European Parliament in Brussels and that company.
Which I say with pride.
So, what it is, ‘What being interested does to you?’
It can make you keep going to the highest place you can think of, to come down that it isn’t a place where you belong.
It can make you feel happy, sad, exhausted, tired, misunderstood, embarrassed, a failure or even a misfit or outcast.
You can feel hurt and sick. Have this feeling of anxiousness or that you want to throw up.
It can feel like a headache or a sore throat.
Sometimes you can even feel it at all the same time.
It can make you understand yourself better.
What your dreams and desires are.
The kind of people you like to spend your time with and even where you like to go and be.
It can bring you back to the path where you belong and make you go to places that are better for you, in general or specific.
But most of all, what being interested does to you, it is bringing you closer to yourself.
Where the good remains, for people to see who you truly are.