We were talking about relationships.
About some I have had and where I expressed my disappointment.
‘Not so much about them or myself, but about that kind of relationship I had’, is what I said.
What that exactly is, I don’t know quite yet.
Something I was thinking after we had that talk.
It was just a feeling I felt.
Perhaps even that stuck on me for this long.
Until I had that conversation about relationships where it came to the surface with me.
Especially that disappointment.
I was surprised how easily I said that.
A disappointment that we can have that kind of relationship.
Entertain it while it lasts and then when looking back feeling this disappointment.
I mean, we can have a relationship and end it for the reasons why.
They can be good or not.
We can hesitate before breaking up, even second guessing if we should do it all.
At least something I did, when having these relationships where I was feeling this disappointment long after.
I am talking about years and years.
Which I hope explains how deep this feeling must have been.
And then here it is.
I am writing about this disappointment and I still don’t quite understand why this is so important.
What it wants to say and how I am feeling about it.
Whatever it is.
I believe that feeling of disappointment about that kind of relationship is something that has to do with me.
The way I explained it, when having that conversation, is that I am a kind of person.
Different is the word I used.
Somehow that made me feel sad.
‘The only one’, is another way I described myself.
Where the sadness was leaving again.
I mean we can come together, entertain what happens and have those love experiences, to make it worthwhile for ourselves.
All those feelings are real and we can find our answers that bring us further.
That we understand we are relationship material.
Whatever that truly means.
What I want to say is that these relationships I have had weren’t matching how I am, as a person.
And so I was feeling disappointed about those kinds of relationships.
Was it a relationship in the first place? Is something that is coming up now.
Or just something I believed it was?
To give it a frame?
Because we can come together and do those things that are part of what we believe is a relationship.
However, does that make it a relationship?
I might have never been in a real relationship, just thought I was, is something I am thinking about.
It would be my answer or just give an explanation to that feeling of disappointment.
I believe it is something true.
Perhaps that is what this disappointment means for me.