Yet another conversation it was.
Among the lines of love.
I think at least.
‘What is the type you fall for?’
Was the question.
Difficult it felt to me, to answer.
Again that question.
Is what I thought.
Because I still didn’t really have a real answer to that.
Also all those other times already when that question was asked.
Like this question is nothing.
However it is a difficult one.
If you would ask me.
‘Blonde hair, blue eyes’, is what I just said.
When that question was asked.
Like those many times before when I answered that question.
It had become a default answer over the years.
When it was asked.
Somehow.
Something I imprinted to tell.
Just for the sake of giving an answer.
And that is really the truth about that.
But when I think about it a bit deeper.
I guess it is also a way to give myself a little bit of time to come up with an answer that would suit me better.
If you understand what I mean.
To say that sometimes we don’t know or it is perhaps a bit difficult to express.
And so the answer, whatever that might be, would be good enough to sustain.
For us to think about the question and answer the question that feels good for us.
In this sense to keep the conversation going or just in general it isn’t that much of a problem if the answer is not completely accurate.
Because to not know your type, wouldn’t do much harm.
Not even to ourselves.
We will not fall off the earth or disappear in any sense.
People will still know your name and probably won’t even think about why we are answering this kind of answer.
There is also no shame there, since there are a lot of people who fall for people with blonde hair and blue eyes.
Even if they would never admit or tell.
If there is any judgment at all, it is on the side of the ones that do.
And well, that is all I can say about that.
It is to understand where we need to keep our focus.
And that is all the meaning there is to it.
I believe in this sense it was more important to give an answer.
Then to answer something that is right.
If at all there is such an answer, in the first place.
However, another meaning was coming to the surface.
The lack of answer to that question was showing something else.
To see where I am in that part of my life.
To understand better that type I fall for.
Whatever that might be.
And so I am writing this story.
Because I might not know what it is.
It is just something that is coming back, with that question that I have been answering the same way over years.
A time for me to explore what it truly means.
Perhaps a way for me to find that kind of partner.
Something that I have been feeling for some time.
A search for that person.
But where to start from?
It could be that understanding the type I fall for is a way to come together.
It sounds like a fairytale to me.
But ok. Let’s keep the focus here.
The type of blonde hair and blue eyes is not my type.
A conclusion I am making to myself.
At least not in the sense we know this type of guy.
We can all imagine that.
So yes.
I am saying this, that the possibility might still be there for him to look just like that, but to leave that preconception we have about it behind.
I have to say, it still remains a difficult question to me.
I wish it was as easy and simple for me, as some of the people I spoke about.
I don’t even know if it is some form of resistance in myself.
But ok, let’s not lose track of what it is I am doing.
The type I fall for.
I believe it doesn’t have much to do about some physical attraction.
But more something inwards.
Better to say from inside out.
I am saying this, since my own answer was really physical to begin with.
Just 2 physical features. The hair and eyes.
Just don’t ask me why.
It could be that over time that only these two features were enough to build an attraction from.
Or the appearance of that would already have enough imagination to understand what that kind of person would be.
I think that last answer would be more suitable.
I guess, it could also be what we think would protect us.
A preconception there is still in the world.
That is coming to the surface with me like this.
But apart from that.
I believe as a woman one of our basic needs is that we have a need to be protected.
And I don’t think I have anything to add to that.
That type of blue eyes and blonde hair would suit me in a world where I am finding my safety.
For me to understand there is no blame for me to come up with this kind of answer that I gave.
Perhaps that was the real answer to that question that was asked.
‘What is the type you fall for?’
And with understanding this, I believe I hit the core of what I am looking for.
It doesn’t really matter how the person looks from the outside.
Something I was mentioning before.
It would be built up from inside out.
With saying this, I mean to say that the eye also wants something.
Ugly, wouldn’t suit me, just because I am not that.
A bright mind would help also.
But most important is that feeling of protection and safety.
So I guess, that is the type I would fall for.