Am I looking for love?
A question I asked.
It is how I ended my last story with the same title.
However the question stayed with me.
For some reason.
I thought about it for a day, perhaps even two.
I was mindfull about it, what this question was meaning to me.
I mean, I was giving it a bit of time and was thinking about it.
It didn’t leave me and I started to think there was more to it.
What it was I didn’t really know.
Somehow it wasn’t leaving me, after those few days.
That it didn’t leave me was for me enough to think there was something more.
Or just something for me to find.
There.
Perhaps something for me to write down.
I started to become curious about what it was.
A cat I have been in a past life.
Curiosity is how I died.
‘Just like that’.
And that is where that story of my life as a cat ended.
Don’t ask me why I know.
Just something I felt happened.
Every time when I am curious, is when I feel that.
That I have been a cat and that is how I died.
That is why I know.
Although that life as a cat passed away, for some reason I am still curious.
Because what has to live, will.
It will come back in a form where it can fulfill its destiny.
Sometimes it needs to die first.
What I try to say, that a cat’s life wasn’t the way for that curiosity to live.
And that is why this curiosity didn’t die.
Simply because it can’t.
Curiosity is not something physical.
That you can touch, is what I mean.
Perhaps just what you can feel.
And that is still a question.
Or just unknown.
Curiosity is something that can get you to places.
In and outside of yourself.
Because although we think curiosity is linked to something connected with cats, it is actually non-binary.
What I try to say, it is not connected to anything.
It is not bound to the ordinairy.
That is what non-binary means to me.
Perhaps that is why it is staying with me.
Because I am just that.
Not ordinairy.
However it can be a reason for cats to die.
Something that happened in that life as a cat.
Now I am resistant to that kind of death.
Good for me to know that this is not a way for me to die.
Anymore.
It is safe to be curious.
So, I can continue in this life, with this knowledge.
To continue this story, if I am looking for love.
However cats still have a special place in my life.
At least it is special to me.
I have been catsitting for some time and now I am a volunteer for a cat’s association, that is feeding stray cats living in a beautifull park in Lisbon, Portugal.
I found the association through one of the groups I join on Facebook, because I missed cats around me.
They are not allowed in the house I live in.
I also prefer to eat salmon.
Tuna I don’t like so much, just when it is raw.
Anyway.
Curiosity is something that can get you far.
Also, it doesn’t take much energy.
It is just something you have.
Just for you to know, that you don’t have to look for it.
Like a cat.
It just shows up when needed and then it is there.
Because curious I am.
If it is, that I am looking for love?
A reason why I am dedicating another story with this question.
But more also that it was raising more questions, to that question I asked myself.
‘Am I looking for love?’
‘Am I?’
‘Really?’
Questions I was asking myself, after I read my own words.
‘Am I looking for love?’
‘Or was it just a nice ending to that story, that I was watching the world pass me by?’
Yet, another question.
‘Why do I need to know if I am looking for love?’
‘Why is it so important for me to know?’
‘And when I know, what does it mean?’
‘What does it say?’
That were all the questions that came to the surface with raising that question
‘Am I looking for love?’
Curiosity opened this up, for me to get somewhere.
However, all these questions are delaying at the same time.
Perhaps even for good reason.
That I wouldn’t get lost in my own cloud of thoughts.
And with saying that, I believe an answer is the only way of going to the right destination.
Wherever that is.
I hope it is a nice place.
So, I guess that is what I need to do then.
To answer this question.
‘Am I looking for love?’
Words are coming to the surface.
The first answer that comes up is ‘no’.
Not as an answer, but as a way to close that question, for me to go deeper.
It could also be a ‘yes’, when I am thinking about it now.
It would be the same difference.
The yes, would be here the answer to open up to go further.
Yes and no meaning the same thing.
Just as a way to start.
That is the journey, to go right to the core.
Then it stays a bit silent.
In myself.
‘I am not looking for anything’.
Is what I am thinking.
Just the silence in myself that I am expressing.
Another answer what I am saying to myself.
‘I really am not looking for love’.
I guess, that is the conclusion for now.
However, I am a bit angry, when I say it here.
“I really am not looking for love”.
“That you think that I would actually be looking for something like that”.
“I am not that foolish to go after something I don’t know or think exists”.
It would be something I would say if I was saying this to someone.
It is not a loud voice that is saying that.
Nor a question that is behind it.
It is just the answer to that question.
‘Am I looking for love?’
The answer on surface level is that I was just looking at the world passing me by.
But underneath that, while I was looking at this world outside of myself.
I wasn’t looking for anything.
Not something I was looking for in particular.
Just minding my own business.
As a matter of speech.
Watching the world, with my two eyes.
Because curious I am.
A way for me to stay alive.
Since I died already a life time ago, for that reason.
But then again.
Humans don’t die from being curious.
Perhaps just for being stupid.
Among many things they can die from.
It is safe for you to be curious, is what I am saying.
I guess, that is for you to know.
I was just watching what was happening around me.
On that boat and in that coffeeplace.
That is all there was.
I wrote about it, to process what happened.
For my mind to give a break and understand what it was I actually saw.
Where I was.
When that happened.
Love was not even close to what I was looking for.
I wasn’t even thinking about it.
At all.
Perhaps that is what I needed to find.
Even when I look at the simple things in life, with no intention or wanting.
There is no love to see.
Maybe that is a bit of a problem.
Don’t you think?
Or maybe I should start to look for love, since I really wasn’t doing that.
Perhaps that is the platform for love to come in?
Whatever that truly means.
With saying this.
No other questions are rising.
In myself.
No thoughts or words coming up.
Silence is an answer in itself.
Not a yes or a no, just silence.
I guess that is the conclusion.
That I should start looking for love.
Because the right answer is always something that isn’t the choice.
And that would be a great story.
I think.