I don’t really know if it is something I can call like this.
A test of love.
It felt like it in some way, just the words that were coming to me like that.
Then again it wasn’t anything love related to begin with.
It wasn’t something I was looking for, something I was open to or even was thinking about.
However I did know that I needed to sustain.
In that department of love, let me say it like this.
I knew that this person wanted something from me.
Interested he was.
I could see it in his eyes and the way he was speaking.
A way of addressing, saying things directly at me and at some point he did confess.
That he was looking for someone to share his days with.
Older he was, mid sixties.
He told me on one of the last days that I was there.
It made me think.
That this has now become an age category available to me.
However nothing really alluring to me at the same time.
It didn’t feel weird to me, just that it made sense to me that he would try and see.
I am turning 40 and from his perspective it could be something.
Of course that is just one sided, not taking into account what I would want.
Making me comfortable for example.
Showing what he has to offer, to make me think about certain things in my life or that he was open to adjusting anything in his life for it to happen in the first place.
It was mainly him and his own desire.
Not thinking further than any of that.
Very unattractive to me, is what I can say about it.
This is just in general what it was.
An overview perhaps to better call it.
What happened and what I experienced.
I don’t know if this was a test of love as such, at least for me to write it down to leave it for what it was.
But when it comes to the test of love, or how it showed in front of my eyes.
Because honestly, I don’t think it is a test of love as such.
To me the test of love is to overcome some hurdles in ourselves to know if we are ready for that kind of love commitment.
It is a journey inward.
Let me say it like this, whenever there is a test coming, it is to know we are already there.
Just that we need this test to lock it in our mind, perhaps the heart of anything else that needs that kind of confirmation. That is what a test of love to me is about.
Perhaps just a confirmation of love.
A test is not a burden nor something we have to face, but just to know where we are at that moment in time. To see where we are going and what needs to be done.
There is no failure, perhaps not even a success, since that is not the objective.
It is just to see where you are.
And that can be anything.
A place in ourselves, or one that we understand.
A feeling or thoughts, perhaps something real.
It could all be.
The only thing that remains is what is important for us to know at that moment of the test.
For me, it was the words that he spoke to me.
The way he said it was an abstraction for me to know and understand what he was up to.
It didn’t take me much effort to sustain, not going after what his words were trying to get from me.
In his bed, if you were wondering.
Because in a world where words make sense, it is not only that which makes the world go around.
There is so much more we have to take into account.
Perhaps even take for granted.
At least something I live by.
And that made it easy to not get lured by his intentions. The words he was speaking, to see if that would be a right fit for him.
He had many ways, I can say.
Different topics he talked about, to see if I had some kind of the same knowledge or even the same interest. Making food, to see if I had the same taste. Sharing some kind of philosophy, understanding where my mind was.
Saying negative things about other people, to see how I would react.
Repairing some of my dues, finding out my loyalty, perhaps self respect.
But while he was occupied with all that much, he forgot I was sitting there right at the table.
Eating the food that I liked, talking about things of my own interest, clearing my mind and getting my own perspectives of life. Letting him fix some essential things that I needed to have fixed at that time.
I am grateful for that, because he unwillingly gave me space to do all this.
Becoming the person that could resist all of what he wanted.
I just let him talk and do what he was so eager to do.
Since I didn’t have to entertain anything he was going after.
For the simple fact I just don’t.
Of course I would talk back, pretending he would get what he wanted, but it was a trick of his own mind, which meant he was burning up all he had.
You know, only fools are not aware of what they are doing or what is actually happening.
And so I was standing my ground.
Stood this test of love.
However, sad it is to me just a little.
Not only that this is a kind of man that is out there, but more so that there are women that are either falling for it or going with it.
On the same side it isn’t really my problem, just something I am making notice of.
Because I wanted to say that these women are ruining it for us, it actually isn’t really.
Since I stood this test of love, it makes me a kind of woman that can not be lured into something like that. Which makes me fall into a different category where I don’t have to worry about any of this.
To me this test of love was to not get in his bed. It made me understand what kind of woman I am and that I am aware of what I am doing and know what is actually happening.