On the topic of loneliness there is something else I’d like to mention.
Perhaps something in a more positive light.
Because when I think of being alone, or lonely.
To me it feels like a bad taste in my mouth.
The epiphany of the following story actually came from some of my own words.
In a meeting I had with my psychologist.
‘Alone, but not lonely’.
I think that is a bit unknown.
However, to me it isn’t.
I don’t know how we came to the point that we talked on this topic of loneliness.
Not that we talked about it, or that we formally said some things.
But it was definitely a topic that I felt I wanted to write a story about.
One of my own requests, so to say.
Because in the world of loneliness we should not forget ourselves.
In the first place.
Or last place, it doesn’t really matter.
But that can be hard.
To think about ourselves when we are lonely.
So let me tell you a story then.
Being alone doesn’t necessarily means being lonely.
This story is one that is close to my heart.
When I think about writing it, I think about my father.
Going out on his own.
A legacy that I am keeping.
He passed away already some time ago.
Sad I have been, about his passing.
I cried many tears.
Sometimes I still do.
I miss him will all my heart.
Now he is just a memory in my mind.
A thought I like to think of.
Sad when I feel that he is not here anymore.
Although I understand his death better.
He committed suicide.
He just couldn’t live in a world where he couldn’t be himself.
Where he wasn’t able to express himself.
Not able to say what he felt.
That he likes men for example.
Not even looking at women.
And so he went on his own a lot.
Not that he was doing things.
But the home he lived in, the system that he was born into.
Wasn’t the world of how he was, from the inside.
Death was the solution.
I am really sad about that.
That there was no other way, for him to stay.
I am really struggling with that.
Because apart from all of that, he was a good person.
He didn’t do any harm.
Perhaps just harming himself.
And that was leading him to leave this planet.
But you know I am human.
That is what we do to ourselves.
Or what I have come to know.
To acknowledge that, you know.
To what extend that is and goes.
To know it is out there.
Is what I mean.
The problem is, although I am grateful he lived in a system where he had to be with a woman.
I mean, I was a product of that.
I am happy to be alive, is what I am saying.
But it is not a solution to the feeling I have.
That I miss my father.
Still.
He is in another place.
I hope it is a good one.
I hope he can live there.
After his death.
Or do the things that he wasn’t able to do here.
But since that is all a bit unknown, at least for me.
I am doing that just for myself.
It keeps my feet on the ground and his memory alive.
It makes me smile, although you don’t always see that.
But happy I am.
From the inside at least.
Where that is safe with me.
What happens when we die?
I believe that is the only question I didn’t answer in that story: ‘Is there is Love in After Life?’
Well, I can only tell from the place I am now.
Where I am with myself and how I feel.
What I think and this is what I will write down.
If that is love related you can think about it for yourself.
It is from a human perspective.
I count myself among that crowd.
Although sometimes I feel like an alien.
Not one that is up in space.
Just one where I feel a bit strange.
Different is I believe a word we can use, also.
In this case.
The place I write at the moment, that is Earth.
In Lisbon, Almada to be exact.
April 2024.
It is.
The day is not that important.
Not to me at least.
All the days are the same to me.
For me it is important to know when it is day and night.
When to wake up, or when to go to bed.
When I can have my breakfast, coffee, lunch and even have a drink.
Sometimes I like to drink a cocktail.
Also.
Not specific on a day on the weekend.
It tastes even better with a nice view or when the sun sets.
I think Earth is a nice place to live.
That is how far I got.
The rest I am not that interested in.
Mainly because I am just occupied.
With myself, what I think and curious about the next story I will write.
That is really true, not just something I write down for this story.
Sometimes I wonder if people want to know what I write.
But it isn’t that important to me that much.
Everytime I write, or when I write in general I feel good.
It is my heart and soul.
What better place to be, than just there.
I am happy with myself, is what I try to say.
Expressing myself is sometimes a bit difficult.
Although I still miss my father.
I am grateful that my father passed away, because it gave me purpose on what I can do here.
That feeling stays with me.
In this life at least.
And what happens next?
Well, you know I was thinking about that.
For the last few days.
Not so much from the point of when we die.
But from the point I am now in my life.
I am 39 years.
Don’t know why that is important.
But when we die.
People keep on doing what they are doing.
Some people are sad, others think they are not.
They wake up and go to work on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Tuesday, Friday.
The weekend is Saturday and Sunday.
However, all the days seem the same to me.
I don’t know, I can’t explain it so well what I mean with that.
I think that is just human.
To sometimes not know.
To not understand, sometimes even have a deathwish.
I think it really is.
Because you know why?
When we go to that place in ourselves, of when we are death and don’t have to experience what was leading to that point of that we want to die.
We realize why we rather want to stay a little longer.
Wherever that is.
Perhaps just in your mind and thoughts.
It is a good thing, I think at least.
Because all those places are here on earth.
And you can stay a little longer with me.
Because as far as I can see, I am the only one here.
Alone, but not lonely.
I am just sitting here in my room by myself.
In case you wondered where that was.
Perhaps we can even be friends one day.
I think I would like that.
But once that happens, you have to call me by my name.
My name is Lakshmi, btw.
In case you didn’t know it, already.
Sometimes I like to be alone, however I don’t feel lonely.
You know why?
Like my father I sometimes need to go out on my own.
Finding things out by myself.
Eating food in silence or cry just a little.
And that is better when there is nobody around.
It helps me grow up and become.
Even when I don’t know what that is.
The message here, that being alone, doens’t mean being lonely.
Sometimes I need to be alone, so I can recharge and see things in perspectives.
To understand who I like and think is a motherfucker.
Excuse my language, but it is just how it is.
Just speaking my truth.
And perhaps that is why I am missing my father so much.
I am just doing all that he couldn’t and I realize how beautiful the world truly is.
To conclude, if you ever see me alone, know that I am not lonely.
That is just the space I need to be where I am close with father.
Because I am doing all the things that he couldn’t, to show him how beautifull the world is trough my eyes.
I hope he likes it, wherever he is in the After Life.
But I think he does, I can feel that in my heart.