I am in a loving mood, although that is what I am thinking for myself.
It could be that I am just hung over, because I do have a little bit of a headache.
I felt sick this morning, I even slept a bit longer than usual.
However I feel that it was just the alcohol that was still in my veins.
It was still there from the night before and I was just not feeling good.
I knew it was not a good idea to drink, for no specific reasons.
However I was invited to come over and I thought it would be disrespectful to not drink.
So, I would just try and see how it would go.
Then I had one glass and I was asked for a refill.
I couldn’t say no.
Not that I wanted it, or because I couldn’t, but more because I was just there shortly and I thought it might be weird if I would refuse that second drink.
And so, I had another drink.
Then it was really going through my head.
Fuck, my mind was spinning so much.
I really had to focus on one point.
The people in the room were just talking and everything around me continued.
I was a spectator of my own world and just sitting there.
It took me a little while to stand up and go to the restroom.
To get rid of those toxins in my body.
To make my head spin a little less.
However, I don’t think anyone noticed in that room that this was all going on inside of me.
I really thought I would fall over if I stood up.
Gladly I didn’t.
So when I came back I had another drink.
And I believe, one more after.
I can’t even tell you if it was that great of a night.
If you were wondering that.
There were a lot of stories told and I even had to laugh.
Then at one point I said : ‘Can you open the door for me, so I can go back?’
I didn’t finish my last drink, there was still a little bit left in my glass.
I did that on purpose.
I thought that was appropriate.
Don’t ask me why.
Just a feeling I was having.
Perhaps some sort of respect.
That I had such a nice time, I couldn’t finish all that there was.
Something overflowing for me.
A kind of abundance, so to speak.
And that is where I was waking up this morning.
My mind went through places and I just thought I was going to die.
Then, I took a cold shower, to more or less wake me up.
It helped a little bit, I have to say.
I took my breakfast and cup of tea as usual, but it was tasting weird for some reason.
I guess there was still alcohol in my body.
Then I left the dishes at the counter of the kitchen, where I had left some other things I had used the night before. Before going to bed.
I just couldn’t be bothered.
Also I really didn’t care.
Then in this carelessness there was a story showing up.
With a heavy head I packed my laptop and put on my lipstick.
For me to write this story, after all those drinks I had last night.
After some food and that cold shower I do feel somewhat better.
Then I thought about this person that would light my fire a little bit more.
He is so yummy to watch and I saw that he is struggling with the contact there is between us.
Casual is not a word to name what is happening.
I can’t really call this a secret love story.
However affairs and secret loves happen often in those circles of higher standards.
Perhaps something you needed to know.
It felt a bit related to me, at least.
But as far as that goes.
I just wanted to express something about it.
I think there is nothing wrong with looking at each other.
At least, that is my perspective or point of view.
Of course that can differ in any kind of situation.
But where his eyes are not hiding what he is looking for.
I do have to say that I did think about what I was going to wear for that day.
I even went back in the house to change my outfit.
It felt a bit too much for me and then I just also thought it was perhaps showing more than was good for the occasion.
Whatever that truly was.
So, I was sitting at that coffee place, drinking another tea to ease my mind and ordered some more food.
For me to wrap my head around this little crush I had developed with someone I only shared eye contact with.
Which was perhaps even more intimate than what we were both seeking in what the eyes were trying to say.
It was all quite intense, as you might guess.
What the moral of this story is, is hard to tell.
But what I came to realize, at least for myself, is that he was a bit of a wild soul.
Something I also consider myself.
However I am more in control of that.
I am not letting my eyes tell a story that the heart doesn’t want to be told.
I mean, it isn’t that complicated.
And I guess that is where I am leaving this for what it is.
Because sometimes we meet people, without knowing why.
It could be a soul contract that needs to be fulfilled, something karmic or anything else closer to the heart.
Who knows.
What I try to say, to keep it stable and sound.
Without my head in the clouds.
Is that the eye sometimes just wants something.
Whatever that might be.
A look in the eye, a story that wants to be told or just to look at someone and think : ‘My goodness you are so good looking I would like to have a taste from that’.
I guess it is all good.
With having this little crush, what was nice for its worth.
There are certainly some things that I will remember.
Perhaps even something I needed in my love journey.
I was feeling hot and cold at the same time, however it wasn’t like a fever.
More like a wild night on a rainy day.
I was thinking ahead if I would go there and then changed my plans accordingly.
I was nervous just a little and I think I did show that to him a couple of times.
Fuck, I was really scared when that happened.
However, I think he also didn’t really know what to do with the situation.
He is macho and king in his own world.
But to me he is just a wild boy.
As much as all of this was happening, with nobody that was noticing.
I feel really grateful for this experience.
I believe it was showing parts of myself.
Who I am from the inside.
That I have a wildness inside of me, able to control.
Not letting some kind of wild boy stare into my eyes and I was able to put a boundary which I tell in my story ‘A love agreement from me to you’.
I was able to organize myself and be free in my own world, since I was thinking ahead and made plans accordingly.
Where I even understood my own love story, this little crush I was having.
It was making me feel so good about myself.
However it was just another guy reaching for the skies.
But as the story once told, it has to come from a good point of view, not just a leap in the dark.
Because to me that doesn’t hold ground, or to say in contemporary terms, I can not trust.
I guess this is where me and him are parting ways.
However, the last thing I do like to add, is that it also showed my wildest desires.
I will keep that just for myself, but I think you can fill that for yourself.
If it will be with him, I can not tell.
To conclude that some kind of crush doesn’t necessarily always say something about the other person, but can say something about ourselves.
Who we are from the inside, what our wildest desires are and where we like to keep that secret.