The Love Journey of Lakshmi
Where there are endings, there are also new beginnings.
As I am still reflecting and making space for a proper closure.
It is that things are starting to open up for me.
A new way of living, which was perhaps always how it was intended.
But it is this reflecting mode that I am in, that starts to give me some realizations about my life as a lover.
As I am still a bit insecure about a new boy that I will be meeting.
Trying to find my stability on what we should be doing.
A kiss, dinner or just a look that will make it all happen.
However, it is my thoughts that are going back in time, just a little bit.
It has been a while since I have heard from a guy I once was seeing.
But it is not that way I am thinking.
That I want him in my life, a regret or a feeling of that I am missing him.
I don’t know exactly what it was that made me aware of it.
But somehow I did.
I realized that my eye was wandering.
Looking at some random boys just a bit too long.
Or even looking away, making sure to not give any attention.
But it was this video I saw passing my eyes before falling asleep.
The last couple of days I have been sick.
A slow down of my body.
And many more things.
To give me time for things I needed to learn and know.
A time for introspection and insights for my being.
To understand and grow to become again healthy.
Many times I have heard : ‘He is already in a relationship, we just broke up’.
Therefor it was more surprising to me when my friend said : ‘I was in a relationship for a long time, being with someone else already would not be respectfull to her’.
This was the first time I heard something like this.
It was even more surprising to me, coming from a guy telling me this.
We were sitting close to the water.
Not that we were at the beach or sitting on the edge of a fountain.
It was a big pond, at least this how I would call it.
The quirking of the frogs, if that is a pronunciation of the sound they are making, sometimes interupted our conversation.
They were not in that pond we were sitting at, however they were in a little water, close to that.
Perhaps it was something that they wanted to say, however it was only the loudness of their sounds that could come that far.
But when it comes to asexuality.
I have actually found something else. Also.
My journey of love is not just about the things I find that come from my love relationships.
Because love starts with the connection with myself.
Of Course we ‘sort of know’ and there are books written about this.
But I am actually also practising it.
Sometimes I just search things on the internet, because I am just interested.
Perhaps it is connected with me being a Sagittarius, that I am open to learning.
Lately I found out that is also a mechanism for me to raise my energy, or better to say fill up my battery.
As convenient as it is.
It is just not that I want to know something specific.
The following is what I was reading :
‘Can Asexuals have sex?’
The first time I was in Lisbon, I went to places to see what the city was like.
I was amazed, better to say surprised about the openness of sexuality.
Not to say that there was a lot of sex in the streets, but for example gay people walking hand in hand. Openly.
Just a lot of gay people being there. Generally.
Not that they were open about their sexuality.
And not so many people being bothered about it.
With one of my lovers I had some words.
Arguing is not something I like, but sometimes it just happens.
He had said it already a couple of times.
“They gave you clothes and a roof above your head, you should be more appreciative”.
He was talking about my adoptive parents and even called himself in this argument we had, the advocate of the devil.